Our viewers’ interest in the Portabella Mushroom Burger from Wendy’s has been overwhelming, but we sadly must decline. We appreciate all of your suggestions, but we make choices that satisfy our religious/political beliefs, and most importantly, overall good taste. KRI will not test any product containing any of the following ingredients as they have been banned from the laboratory (in order): mushrooms (all), “reduced-fat”, seitan, “sugar-free”, hair (brown/black).
The Institute views these as offensive and will ignore requests in violation of policy. We can only assume those submitting these requests also prefer skim milk over real milk and have much bigger problems than we can address here. We suggest you talk with these people.
We had an office pool to see who could get closest to the acronym that is the new McDonald’s Angus CBO without first seeing any press. Four were selected for final review. Creamy Beefy Orgasm, Complete Bowel Obstruction, Consumable Between Operations, Created By Oracles
While all could be argued as factual not one got any of the initials correct so the money will roll into the next pool. The editor still reserves the right to his 20% commission and is not a Fascist as suggested in the vandalized interoffice memo containing the contest’s results. It’s Legitimate Authoritarianism, and its Wikipedia page wouldn’t still be under development if I could get some help around here once in a while.
For $4.39 the CBO is at the high end of the price range for 1/3 pound or less burger, therefore the Institute had grand expectations of the CBO before taking the first bite. Upon opening the box we found a most humble burger.
The CBO was unassuming at best with no sign of what lied beneath the massive bun. We anticipated an overflowing mess that is standard in fast food containers so this took several testers by surprise and a near mutiny ensued. Insults and accusations ricocheted throughout the lab. “Burger King was next week jackass!” and “If you’re ordering high you write that shit down!” are not uncommonly shouted when testers get confused, but when “You didn’t check the bag?!” reverberated from of one our junior testers lips it took two of our largest staff members to pry the rest of the team off of him.
A drive-thru order and the respect of the execution of that order is all that keeps the fast food delivery system from completely breaking down. The delay a bag check would cause to the rest of the patrons in line is by definition inconvenient and directly at odds with the objective of fast food. The Institute commands an unconditional reverence to the establishment’s employees. Any occasional mistakes are made either by happenstance or due to the focus of the workers being on organizing to control the means of production.
The team regained its composure, and the burger was opened to reveal a shafting that’s right up there with being charged 10 cents for an extra packet of BBQ sauce.
It’s possible we passed through a centrifuge on the drive home, or the worker was providing a level of work equivalent for wages received. Regardless, nearly half of the sandwich was not covered in white cheddar, hickory smoked bacon, and caramelized onion. We weren’t even aware of the mustard sauce until the last few bites into the CBO. However, the toppings that did make it on this burger were actually enjoyable. The bun kept our hands clean, bacon was firm, onions had good grilled flavor, and the cheese was nicely melted, but the most enjoyable part was how it masked the taste of the cow pie underneath. KRI recommends McDonald’s instead serving only the toppings sans burger in a pretzel bread waffle cone. The standard post-McDonald’s meal depression/sickness known commonly as McFucked hit our testers within 5 minutes of finishing the burger. The film on the roof of our mouths was all too familiar. Big Macs are currently buy-one-get-one-free causing team members to keep “chasing the dragon”.
KRI did not test the Crispy Chicken CBO which may have been the better choice as the meat had to be an upgrade. We are looking into the morality of grilled onions on a fried chicken sandwich and will render our opinion into policy. The makeup of the Chicken CBO bears similarities to our test kitchen’s Chicken Von Baconham. It was hypothesized that consumers would welcome the simulated double cheeked chicken kiss upon biting at the center of the sandwich, but franchisees were not open to an entree that so boldly stood for triple meat rights.
This is a good alternative to a Big Mac or Quarter Pounder but it’s not worth the price. The marketing of this product as “gourmet” should be insulting to us all.