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Angus CBO

Our viewers’ interest in the Portabella Mushroom Burger from Wendy’s has been overwhelming, but we sadly must decline.  We appreciate all of your suggestions, but we make choices that satisfy our religious/political beliefs, and most importantly, overall good taste.  KRI will not test any product containing any of the following ingredients as they have been banned from the laboratory (in order): mushrooms (all), “reduced-fat”, seitan, “sugar-free”, hair (brown/black).

The Institute views these as offensive and will ignore requests in violation of policy.  We can only assume those submitting these requests also prefer skim milk over real milk and have much bigger problems than we can address here.  We suggest you talk with these people.

We had an office pool to see who could get closest to the acronym that is the new McDonald’s Angus CBO without first seeing any press.  Four were selected for final review.  Creamy Beefy Orgasm, Complete Bowel Obstruction, Consumable Between Operations, Created By Oracles

While all could be argued as factual not one got any of the initials correct so the money will roll into the next pool.  The editor still reserves the right to his 20% commission and is not a Fascist as suggested in the vandalized interoffice memo containing the contest’s results.  It’s Legitimate Authoritarianism, and its Wikipedia page wouldn’t still be under development if I could get some help around here once in a while.

For $4.39 the CBO is at the high end of the price range for 1/3 pound or less burger, therefore the Institute had grand expectations of the CBO before taking the first bite.  Upon opening the box we found a most humble burger.

 

The CBO was unassuming at best with no sign of what lied beneath the massive bun.  We anticipated an overflowing mess that is standard in fast food containers so this took several testers by surprise and a near mutiny ensued.  Insults and accusations ricocheted throughout the lab.  “Burger King was next week jackass!” and “If you’re ordering high you write that shit down!” are not uncommonly shouted when testers get confused, but when “You didn’t check the bag?!” reverberated from of one our junior testers lips it took two of our largest staff members to pry the rest of the team off of him.

A drive-thru order and the respect of the execution of that order is all that keeps the fast food delivery system from completely breaking down.  The delay a bag check would cause to the rest of the patrons in line is by definition inconvenient and directly at odds with the objective of fast food.  The Institute commands an unconditional reverence to the establishment’s employees.  Any occasional mistakes are made either by happenstance or due to the focus of the workers being on organizing to control the means of production.

The team regained its composure, and the burger was opened to reveal a shafting that’s right up there with being charged 10 cents for an extra packet of BBQ sauce.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s possible we passed through a centrifuge on the drive home, or the worker was providing a level of work equivalent for wages received.  Regardless, nearly half of the sandwich was not covered in white cheddar, hickory smoked bacon, and caramelized onion.  We weren’t even aware of the mustard sauce until the last few bites into the CBO.  However, the toppings that did make it on this burger were actually enjoyable.   The bun kept our hands clean, bacon was firm, onions had good grilled flavor, and the cheese was nicely melted, but the most enjoyable part was how it masked the taste of the cow pie underneath.  KRI recommends McDonald’s instead serving only the toppings sans burger in a pretzel bread waffle cone.  The standard post-McDonald’s meal depression/sickness known commonly as McFucked hit our testers within 5 minutes of finishing the burger.  The film on the roof of our mouths was all too familiar.  Big Macs are currently buy-one-get-one-free causing team members to keep “chasing the dragon”.

KRI did not test the Crispy Chicken CBO which may have been the better choice as the meat had to be an upgrade.  We are looking into the morality of grilled onions on a fried chicken sandwich and will render our opinion into policy.  The makeup of the Chicken CBO bears similarities to our test kitchen’s Chicken Von Baconham.  It was hypothesized that consumers would welcome the simulated double cheeked chicken kiss upon biting at the center of the sandwich, but franchisees were not open to an entree that so boldly stood for triple meat rights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FINAL RATING:

This is a good alternative to a Big Mac or Quarter Pounder but it’s not worth the price.  The marketing of this product as “gourmet” should be insulting to us all.

 

 

Cheesy Cheddar Burger

The American hamburger can be traced as far back as 1890 which supports speculation that Back to the Future could have extended the series if Doc Brown would have instead given up his modern life in the 3rd installment  to introduce the burger to America.  “I’ll take a double doc brown, hold the onions,” the hobbledehoys would say.  Times were much simpler in the late 19th century in America, and not since the toothbrush, or any other brush for that matter, has a simple product delivered 100% true to its name, that is, until Wendy’s released the Cheesy Cheddar Burger (CCB) sandwich.

Cheese is in the spotlight again for the first time at Wendy’s since their Cheddar Lovers burger caused one of our senior testers to resign after he broke down in a weekly editors meeting.  Our hall still echos with his chanting of, ‘It was too much cheese,’ more in the form of a question than a definitive statement.  We lost sight of our mission that day, but our testers rallied and went charging, wine drunk, to the nearest franchise in pursuit of the CCB.

What’s on the Cheesy Cheddar Burger you ask?

-Surely onions.

Never.

-A pickle slice or two.

Absolutely not.

-Something  fresh and crunchy like lettuce or tomato.

I want to slap you with one.  Pay attention.  The CCB contains none of these bourgeois toppings but instead caters to the working class’ appetite for cheese and meat.  One patty, one cheese slice, and one generous  pump of cheesy on a bun for one dollar.

At that price this burger is a not a meal but a snack.  If a snack were food porn, that is.  Our testers could finish it in three bites when eating it New York style.  That’s when you fold it over on itself and isn’t to be confused with pompous jackassery.

The burger patty is similar to what is used for the Double Stack but slightly smaller and stepped on.  The meat curiously sat below lower bun level allowing the cheesy to spread clear across its surface.  Upon first bite there were no breaches at the bun’s borders and no residue on the lips, both clear indications that there was capacity for more cheese and/or cheesy.  No complaints were filed as the second bite greeted the tester with the motherload, direct from a chesticle’s ventricle, of cheese ejaculate at a most pleasurable temperature.  There is absolutely no reason to eat the outsides of this sandwich.  We instead recommend ordering four of these and only eating the centers.  The best four bucks you’ve spent this year.

Our junior tester, anxious to make a strong first impression, nearly choked himself blue while rolling the cheesy meat jumble under his lip followed by a deep inhale.  It was that or the deflated balloon we slipped in his burger to complete his hazing.  However, he was only applying what he learned on the job as we had attended a scotch tasting the night before in jubilation of the team going a whole day without drinking which later proved  ironic as it was the very day of sobriety we were celebrating.

KRI suggestion(s) submitted to restaurant:

Condiment cheese packets.  It doesn’t need to be real cheese or the color orange, and cheese can be spelled cheeze.

(It was the only comment card in the box so we’re feeling good about this one making it all the way to Dave himself.)

FINAL RATING:

Mick is dancing in the street with the CCB.

Link to complete rating system:  http://kasparresearchinstitute.wordpress.com/2012/10/13/rating-system/

Rating System

Best to Worst:

This food is the result of Divine Intervention, and it’s existence is proof of the afterlife.  A mere mention of its name requires you to genuflect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A love/hate relationship without the hate.  It should be in your rotation at least once a week.  At least.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A very reliable option.  Mick’s down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They can’t all be spicy chicken sandwiches.  When asked what you ate for lunch/dinner you will answer by the name of the restaurant over the item itself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It did not taste, look, smell, or sit well, and you will be irritable the rest of the day.  Food like this will make you not trust your instincts and resist trying new things.  Give yourself a break and forget about this one.  We’re here to take these hits for you buddy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are forming a political movement to raise awareness.  Get involved.

Message from the Editor:  “The Kaspar Research Institute (KRI), formed in 2007, has been committed to being an apolitical organization, but this election year we encourage you to join us in  pledging our support at the polling stations and writing in Cap’n Crunch for President.  The Cap’n has yet to speak publicly on his political views, but we trust he is a Communist due to the uniformity of  his cereal and it’s abrasive texture purposefully designed to injure those who eat it too quickly with purpose of eating more than their fair share.  Able to rule on land or milk-sea, Horatio Magellan Crunch demonstrates he is the most “presidential” of all the candidates notwithstanding his economic gaffe in 1997 after an opportunistic assembly line defect introduced Oops All Berries into the market at unexpectedly the same cost to consumers as the classic Cap’n Crunch Berries, 30 years its predecessor.”

Welcome to one and all!  Our mission at the Institute is to provide our customers with unbiased reviews on the latest in fast food innovation.  None of our employees are affiliated with any of the products or “restaurants” tested.  We try to cover a wide range of products, primarily entirely meat based, and welcome your suggestions.  Exceptions can be made, but if you buy fast food that doesn’t contain meat or fish you should be making that shit yourself.  All of our testers are located in the Chicagoland area so please research the local availability of your suggestion before submitting for our review.

Do not mail us any food item from your region regardless of any pleas from our testers.  Our operations were shutdown for 2 weeks in the Spring of 2010 upon receipt and consumption of a KFC Double Down sandwich from the initial test market in Rhode Island.  It was the most anticipated fast food item release in nearly a decade, and we split it 6 ways despite receiving it unwrapped in a letter sized windowed envelope.

Our first review in this format will be posted in the coming week so get hungry America! (just America, as other countries are always hungry)

Crunch 2012

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